The Knot in My Heart

I resist things.  I don't know why, but I've noticed I do.  I resist change, I resist suggestions from my husband, I resist trying things differently, I resist letting myself be softened.  Resist, resist, resist.  It's kind of like a knot I have in my forearm, where the muscle is soooo tight.  I keep rubbing it trying to loosen it up.

My Mom says I was born about two weeks after my due date, and that I must have had a hard time deciding if I really wanted to come to earth.  Maybe I resisted coming to earth.  I have a hard time making decisions sometimes.  Or maybe lots of times.  Do I eat this or that at a restaurant?  Should I take this job or that job?  Should I decorate my room this way or that way?  Sometimes I just labor way too much over decisions.  And LABOR is the right word for it!  The problem is, if I'm going to decorate, I want it to be Just Right.  If I take a job, it should be Just Right.

For some decisions, this isn't a problem.  I can take forever to decorate my room.  No one else cares or sees (except my husband).  It can be more problematic at a restaurant or when taking a job. My husband has been a good example to me of not-laboring, or Just Do It.   Don't worry about planting the garden perfectly, just turn the dirt over and throw some seeds in.  Don't worry about weeding perfectly every week, just pull a few weeds for five minutes every week.  He has been a good example of NOT resisting ideas or change or doing hard things or suggestions from me.  He has truly accomplished a lot in his life because of this.

Are the resistance and the indecision related?   Maybe this resistance is like a knot in my heart.  I've always considered myself a very obedient, good person.  Someone who wanted to do 'good' and live 'right'.  But I've discovered this dang knot in my heart.   So now I'm working on rubbing it and trying to loosen it up.

This could take a while.