My daughter says I need an intervention. Yes. I've gotten a bit consumed with watching old seasons of the tv show "Survivor" since last summer. Who wouldn't? I just love watching the drama of outwit, outplay, outlast. Of watching people fight to get the ball first or the puzzle together first, so they can win food to eat and not have to vote anyone out of the game. I love watching their bodies getting thinner while they annoy each other and plot who should be voted out. Is it the weakest person? The oldest? The most annoying? It tends to be those three types that are voted off first.
Why does this show keep me enthralled? I think it's because I'd like to THINK I could do well. Not so much in my 53 year old body. But in my 30's I could have definitely played with the best of them physically. And I think I would have done pretty good socially. Outwit I'm not so sure. But it would've been a blast to try.
I seem to keep finding myself drawn to physical challenges the last few years. A couple of years ago I read "Wild" by Cheryl Strayed, and that made me want to be able to do a challenging hike. So we hiked in to Havasupai. Then this summer we backpacked in to the Grandaddy Lakes in the Uintahs and camped. Been there. Done that.
Outwit? Hmmm. Don't even know how to play chess. Definitely want to work on strategy skills in my life. As I've said before, I'm married to an attorney but can't debate for the life of me. But strangely, teaching 60 children at a time and having to deal with their fights and their disobedience is actually teaching me something about debate!
Social game? All of life is a social game. Figuring out how to work with your spouse, your kids, your parents, your siblings, in-laws, boss, co-workers, friends, acquaintances at church.....and the list goes on and on.
So "Survivor" is a microcosm of life. But it would be nice if you could potentially end up with a cool million at the end.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Personal History via Blogging, May 17, 2015
"Words cannot do justice to the pleasures of a good bookshop. Ironically." (On a bag from the London book store, Waterstones.)
I love going to bookstores. The way some women love to shop for clothes or shoes, I love to browse in a bookstore. New fiction, non-fiction, inspiring biographies, self-help. I have a nightstand overflowing with books I'm reading or plan to read. Whenever a problem crops up in my life, or there is something I want to understand or learn about, or I just want to excape real life, I automatically turn to books first. Somehow I think reading about something will endow me with the necessary understanding. I remember as a teenager my oldest brother saying, "All you do is read! You need to get up and do something in life!" I didn't listen to him much back then, but his thoughts came back to me in college. I purposely tried to make sure I was ACTING in my life, and not just living vicariously.
But all this reading has inspired me to attempt writing at times. I wrote my first story in fourth or fifth grade. Didn't write much as a teenager, but devoured a lot of books. But I was a VERY diligent journal keeper. Journaling helped me sort through feelings and life. And heaven knows there are tons of feelings during teen years! Journaling also helped me learn to organize my thoughts.
After much immersion in Living Life during college, I was married, living in a new state (Washington) with a new baby, and more time on my hands. I kept involved in dance, but my interest in writing crept up again. Mostly essays in my journal, though I dabbled in fiction and poetry.
More children came and life was busy. But I started reading about writing. Mainly fiction. Attended a couple of local conferences for writers and took an online creative writing course. I was so inspired by some of the fiction I read, that I wanted to write fiction that inspired others! The only problem was, I never had any good story ideas. My husband and daughter seem to have an endless supply of story ideas for their writing, but not me.
In the past year I started thinking perhaps fiction wasn't the way for me to go. I started this blog two years ago to help me practice writing and because I loved reading other women's essays on their blogs. Then I started thinking I should write my personal history, and perhaps that was a way to use my writing. So of course I looked up books on memoir writing on Amazon.com! I can't write my personal history without reading thoroughly about it, can I?
Then I sat down and decided to re-read all my blog posts on here. And an interesting thing happened: I realized my personal history is in my blog posts! This blog may not give an exact timeline of my life, but it definitely shares my slant on life and living. My tastes, my joys, my frustrations. And isn't that really what a personal history should do?
I love going to bookstores. The way some women love to shop for clothes or shoes, I love to browse in a bookstore. New fiction, non-fiction, inspiring biographies, self-help. I have a nightstand overflowing with books I'm reading or plan to read. Whenever a problem crops up in my life, or there is something I want to understand or learn about, or I just want to excape real life, I automatically turn to books first. Somehow I think reading about something will endow me with the necessary understanding. I remember as a teenager my oldest brother saying, "All you do is read! You need to get up and do something in life!" I didn't listen to him much back then, but his thoughts came back to me in college. I purposely tried to make sure I was ACTING in my life, and not just living vicariously.
But all this reading has inspired me to attempt writing at times. I wrote my first story in fourth or fifth grade. Didn't write much as a teenager, but devoured a lot of books. But I was a VERY diligent journal keeper. Journaling helped me sort through feelings and life. And heaven knows there are tons of feelings during teen years! Journaling also helped me learn to organize my thoughts.
After much immersion in Living Life during college, I was married, living in a new state (Washington) with a new baby, and more time on my hands. I kept involved in dance, but my interest in writing crept up again. Mostly essays in my journal, though I dabbled in fiction and poetry.
More children came and life was busy. But I started reading about writing. Mainly fiction. Attended a couple of local conferences for writers and took an online creative writing course. I was so inspired by some of the fiction I read, that I wanted to write fiction that inspired others! The only problem was, I never had any good story ideas. My husband and daughter seem to have an endless supply of story ideas for their writing, but not me.
In the past year I started thinking perhaps fiction wasn't the way for me to go. I started this blog two years ago to help me practice writing and because I loved reading other women's essays on their blogs. Then I started thinking I should write my personal history, and perhaps that was a way to use my writing. So of course I looked up books on memoir writing on Amazon.com! I can't write my personal history without reading thoroughly about it, can I?
Then I sat down and decided to re-read all my blog posts on here. And an interesting thing happened: I realized my personal history is in my blog posts! This blog may not give an exact timeline of my life, but it definitely shares my slant on life and living. My tastes, my joys, my frustrations. And isn't that really what a personal history should do?
Monday, August 11, 2014
Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal, Water
We took a family trip to the Redwood Forest of northern California last week with our daughter and two of her friends. Beautiful campsite in the Six Rivers National Forest by Smith River. Tall trees surrounding us. Mild temperatures. The river was refreshing but not icy, perfect for cliff jumping and swimming. The stars like bright polka dots above us.
I loved it.
I love sleeping in a tent with fresh air, the sound of crickets and birds and the flowing river. It helps if my mattress is comfortable! I loved walking through Stout Grove in the Jedidiah Smith Redwoods State Park, dwarfed by the magnificent redwoods all around. There was a reverent feel there. Quiet. No sound of birds and bugs for some reason. As if all creatures showed reverence for the ancient redwoods.
I loved hiking 1 1/2 hours to the Boy Scout Tree, my feet on soft ground, my head under a canopy of giant redwoods, my breath steady. I love the rhythm of hiking and breathing. I loved hiking .5 mile to the Klamath River Overlook to see Eden - enormous roaring ocean, primitive cliffs, jarring boulders, fog-encased land.
The Chinese talk about five elements, or five states of change, which describe the interaction and relation between yin and yang: wood, fire, earth, metal, and water. I just know that I find myself wanting these elements around me in my life. I want less concrete and more earth. Less enclosed walls and more air. How do I find that balance in a modern life? I'm not ready to leave my comfy home and live in a yurt. But I do open my window at night. I do dig in my garden and plant beautiful things. I do want to display a picture of the ocean my husband took. And I do kiss my speckled beach stone morning and night, to remind me of the magnificence I saw and felt.
I think Mother Nature has quiety set up camp inside me.
I loved it.
I love sleeping in a tent with fresh air, the sound of crickets and birds and the flowing river. It helps if my mattress is comfortable! I loved walking through Stout Grove in the Jedidiah Smith Redwoods State Park, dwarfed by the magnificent redwoods all around. There was a reverent feel there. Quiet. No sound of birds and bugs for some reason. As if all creatures showed reverence for the ancient redwoods.
I loved hiking 1 1/2 hours to the Boy Scout Tree, my feet on soft ground, my head under a canopy of giant redwoods, my breath steady. I love the rhythm of hiking and breathing. I loved hiking .5 mile to the Klamath River Overlook to see Eden - enormous roaring ocean, primitive cliffs, jarring boulders, fog-encased land.
The Chinese talk about five elements, or five states of change, which describe the interaction and relation between yin and yang: wood, fire, earth, metal, and water. I just know that I find myself wanting these elements around me in my life. I want less concrete and more earth. Less enclosed walls and more air. How do I find that balance in a modern life? I'm not ready to leave my comfy home and live in a yurt. But I do open my window at night. I do dig in my garden and plant beautiful things. I do want to display a picture of the ocean my husband took. And I do kiss my speckled beach stone morning and night, to remind me of the magnificence I saw and felt.
I think Mother Nature has quiety set up camp inside me.
The Knot in My Heart
I resist things. I don't know why, but I've noticed I do. I resist change, I resist suggestions from my husband, I resist trying things differently, I resist letting myself be softened. Resist, resist, resist. It's kind of like a knot I have in my forearm, where the muscle is soooo tight. I keep rubbing it trying to loosen it up.
My Mom says I was born about two weeks after my due date, and that I must have had a hard time deciding if I really wanted to come to earth. Maybe I resisted coming to earth. I have a hard time making decisions sometimes. Or maybe lots of times. Do I eat this or that at a restaurant? Should I take this job or that job? Should I decorate my room this way or that way? Sometimes I just labor way too much over decisions. And LABOR is the right word for it! The problem is, if I'm going to decorate, I want it to be Just Right. If I take a job, it should be Just Right.
For some decisions, this isn't a problem. I can take forever to decorate my room. No one else cares or sees (except my husband). It can be more problematic at a restaurant or when taking a job. My husband has been a good example to me of not-laboring, or Just Do It. Don't worry about planting the garden perfectly, just turn the dirt over and throw some seeds in. Don't worry about weeding perfectly every week, just pull a few weeds for five minutes every week. He has been a good example of NOT resisting ideas or change or doing hard things or suggestions from me. He has truly accomplished a lot in his life because of this.
Are the resistance and the indecision related? Maybe this resistance is like a knot in my heart. I've always considered myself a very obedient, good person. Someone who wanted to do 'good' and live 'right'. But I've discovered this dang knot in my heart. So now I'm working on rubbing it and trying to loosen it up.
This could take a while.
My Mom says I was born about two weeks after my due date, and that I must have had a hard time deciding if I really wanted to come to earth. Maybe I resisted coming to earth. I have a hard time making decisions sometimes. Or maybe lots of times. Do I eat this or that at a restaurant? Should I take this job or that job? Should I decorate my room this way or that way? Sometimes I just labor way too much over decisions. And LABOR is the right word for it! The problem is, if I'm going to decorate, I want it to be Just Right. If I take a job, it should be Just Right.
For some decisions, this isn't a problem. I can take forever to decorate my room. No one else cares or sees (except my husband). It can be more problematic at a restaurant or when taking a job. My husband has been a good example to me of not-laboring, or Just Do It. Don't worry about planting the garden perfectly, just turn the dirt over and throw some seeds in. Don't worry about weeding perfectly every week, just pull a few weeds for five minutes every week. He has been a good example of NOT resisting ideas or change or doing hard things or suggestions from me. He has truly accomplished a lot in his life because of this.
Are the resistance and the indecision related? Maybe this resistance is like a knot in my heart. I've always considered myself a very obedient, good person. Someone who wanted to do 'good' and live 'right'. But I've discovered this dang knot in my heart. So now I'm working on rubbing it and trying to loosen it up.
This could take a while.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Old Friends - July 13, 2014
This past Wednesday I met my high school friend for dinner. She was in town for a work conference. I am SO BLESSED with wonderful high school friends. It was so fun to catch up! When you've known each other this long, it is just comfortable. We pretty much know all of each other's 'stuff'. And we seem to have a lot in common. Anyway, it's just great to have girlfriends who can be your pyschologist; who know you, your background, the ups and downs you've had in life. They listen and empathize and love you with all your faults. That's what life is about. Creating relationships like that. I'm blessed to have some.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
We All Just Want Positive Attention
When I started going to yoga classes back in 2003, I found a class that I loved. It made me work hard physically, it appealed to me intellectually, and the teacher would give me positive praise! How often do we, as adults, get positive praise somewhere??? Not often. I can't believe what a difference that made to me. The teacher purposefully learned everyones name so she could give positive feedback.
In a teacher development workshop last week, I realized again the importance and effectiveness of positive reinforcement/feedback. Research shows that when you praise a specific behavior a child does, the likelihood of them doing it again increases tremendously, AND other students will mimic the behavior in hopes of getting that same praise.
Our words are so important. I realize that more and more as I teach. How I phrase tasks makes a huge difference in how the students do it! How I praise or don't praise behavior I want to see makes a huge difference in the behavior of the students.
So why is this harder for me to accomplish at home?? I do give positive reinforcement verbally and in other ways to my daughter. But I feel I could do more. And I don't think I give nearly enough to my husband. They say it can feel unnatural at first to word things properly. But eventually it feels natural. So I will start practicing now! And I challenge you to notice this week how much specific positive praise you get or give!
In a teacher development workshop last week, I realized again the importance and effectiveness of positive reinforcement/feedback. Research shows that when you praise a specific behavior a child does, the likelihood of them doing it again increases tremendously, AND other students will mimic the behavior in hopes of getting that same praise.
Our words are so important. I realize that more and more as I teach. How I phrase tasks makes a huge difference in how the students do it! How I praise or don't praise behavior I want to see makes a huge difference in the behavior of the students.
So why is this harder for me to accomplish at home?? I do give positive reinforcement verbally and in other ways to my daughter. But I feel I could do more. And I don't think I give nearly enough to my husband. They say it can feel unnatural at first to word things properly. But eventually it feels natural. So I will start practicing now! And I challenge you to notice this week how much specific positive praise you get or give!
Friday, October 25, 2013
The Queen of Paralyzed Perfection
So my Health Challenge is almost done. Only one more week left. Have I lost eight pounds like I thought I could/should? Umm, no. Have I eaten less desserts/sweets? Yes! I have definitely done better, though not perfect, at not having dessert every day. Have I realized that I eat too much food sometimes, not just too much desserts? Yes! I thought my main problem was sweets, and if I cut those out I'd lose weight. But my mind? or whatever is so tricky, I just eat more of other foods to make up for the lack of sweets!
So I haven't lost as much weight as I wanted. But I have gained a new friend. She helped me decorate my bedroom, we went running together, we've laughed together, sent LOTS of texts, and supported each other through the challenge. Fun! I don't know why it's taken me so long to open up enough to get someone to do something like this with me. (Well, maybe I do know why, but that's another story).
The point is, I've been thinking about my 'issues' with food. And it's tied to my 'issue' of wanting to look good to other people on the outside in many ways. The way my house looks, the way I look. And that is all tied to 'issues' with perfectionism. I read an excellent article tonight in BYU Magazine (the magazine for alumni), titled "That's How the Light Gets In". This article is all about our desires for THE correct answer to something, or doing things 'Perfect" every time we do anything. The author, Tyler J. Jarvis, says, "You could say we are paralyzed by perfection." Well, I am the Queen of that! The Queen of not doing things til I can do them perfectly, thus there are many things I didn't do soon enough or wasn't brave enough to try!!!!
Jarvis gives four steps to becoming unparalyzed: 1) Admit and Accept Imperfection. I love the example he gives of his wife as a missionary. She and her companion wanted to obey ALL the mission rules exactly. But when they couldn't fit everything in their schedule, they realized it would take 25 hours/day! So they had to make do with an approximation, or in other words, admit and accept imperfection. But I've learned as I've taught PE full-time the past two years, 90% of success is just showing up! I may not be a perfect PE teacher, but if I just show up, I'm pretty good! That's accepting imperfection.
2) Work Hard to Get Your Best Approximation. "..admitting and accepting imperfection allows us to find imperfect but workable solutions to our personal and spiritual problems---but these solutions still require deep thought and hard work".
3) Act on Your Best Approximation. God wants us to take action! Go for it! Just do it! We WILL make mistakes! But do it anyway, because that is how we learn.
4) Do It Again. Meaning, repeat steps 1-3. As we do this, our knowledge will be refined and we will improve.
In Leonard Cohen's song "Anthem", we read:
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
"Our bells are cracked. But let's ring those bells that still can ring. Stop worrying about your failure to achieve perfection---perfection is not possible in this life. Instead embrace the light and healing power of Christ that come in through our cracks and imperfections. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."
I love that idea. Now I'm doing the hard work to find my best approximation of eating healthy.
So I haven't lost as much weight as I wanted. But I have gained a new friend. She helped me decorate my bedroom, we went running together, we've laughed together, sent LOTS of texts, and supported each other through the challenge. Fun! I don't know why it's taken me so long to open up enough to get someone to do something like this with me. (Well, maybe I do know why, but that's another story).
The point is, I've been thinking about my 'issues' with food. And it's tied to my 'issue' of wanting to look good to other people on the outside in many ways. The way my house looks, the way I look. And that is all tied to 'issues' with perfectionism. I read an excellent article tonight in BYU Magazine (the magazine for alumni), titled "That's How the Light Gets In". This article is all about our desires for THE correct answer to something, or doing things 'Perfect" every time we do anything. The author, Tyler J. Jarvis, says, "You could say we are paralyzed by perfection." Well, I am the Queen of that! The Queen of not doing things til I can do them perfectly, thus there are many things I didn't do soon enough or wasn't brave enough to try!!!!
Jarvis gives four steps to becoming unparalyzed: 1) Admit and Accept Imperfection. I love the example he gives of his wife as a missionary. She and her companion wanted to obey ALL the mission rules exactly. But when they couldn't fit everything in their schedule, they realized it would take 25 hours/day! So they had to make do with an approximation, or in other words, admit and accept imperfection. But I've learned as I've taught PE full-time the past two years, 90% of success is just showing up! I may not be a perfect PE teacher, but if I just show up, I'm pretty good! That's accepting imperfection.
2) Work Hard to Get Your Best Approximation. "..admitting and accepting imperfection allows us to find imperfect but workable solutions to our personal and spiritual problems---but these solutions still require deep thought and hard work".
3) Act on Your Best Approximation. God wants us to take action! Go for it! Just do it! We WILL make mistakes! But do it anyway, because that is how we learn.
4) Do It Again. Meaning, repeat steps 1-3. As we do this, our knowledge will be refined and we will improve.
In Leonard Cohen's song "Anthem", we read:
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
"Our bells are cracked. But let's ring those bells that still can ring. Stop worrying about your failure to achieve perfection---perfection is not possible in this life. Instead embrace the light and healing power of Christ that come in through our cracks and imperfections. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."
I love that idea. Now I'm doing the hard work to find my best approximation of eating healthy.
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