Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal, Water

We took a family trip to the Redwood Forest of northern California last week with our daughter and two of her friends.  Beautiful campsite in the Six Rivers National Forest by Smith River.  Tall trees surrounding us.  Mild temperatures.  The river was refreshing but not icy, perfect for cliff jumping and swimming.  The stars like bright polka dots above us.

I loved it.

I love sleeping in a tent with fresh air, the sound of crickets and birds and the flowing river.  It helps if my mattress is comfortable!  I loved walking through Stout Grove in the Jedidiah Smith Redwoods State Park, dwarfed by the magnificent redwoods all around.  There was a reverent feel there.  Quiet.  No sound of birds and bugs for some reason.  As if all creatures showed reverence for the ancient redwoods.

I loved hiking 1 1/2 hours to the Boy Scout Tree,  my feet on soft ground, my head under a canopy of giant redwoods, my breath steady.  I love the rhythm of hiking and breathing.  I loved hiking .5 mile to the Klamath River Overlook to see Eden - enormous roaring ocean, primitive cliffs, jarring boulders,  fog-encased land.

The Chinese talk about five elements, or five states of change, which describe the interaction and relation between yin and yang:  wood, fire, earth, metal, and water.  I just know that I find myself wanting these elements around me in my life.  I want less concrete and more earth.  Less enclosed walls and more air.  How do I find that balance in a modern life?  I'm not ready to leave my comfy home and live in a yurt.  But I do open my window at night.  I do dig in my garden and plant beautiful things.  I do want to display a picture of the ocean my husband took.  And I do kiss my speckled beach stone morning and night, to remind me of the magnificence I saw and felt.

I think Mother Nature has quiety set up camp inside me.

The Knot in My Heart

I resist things.  I don't know why, but I've noticed I do.  I resist change, I resist suggestions from my husband, I resist trying things differently, I resist letting myself be softened.  Resist, resist, resist.  It's kind of like a knot I have in my forearm, where the muscle is soooo tight.  I keep rubbing it trying to loosen it up.

My Mom says I was born about two weeks after my due date, and that I must have had a hard time deciding if I really wanted to come to earth.  Maybe I resisted coming to earth.  I have a hard time making decisions sometimes.  Or maybe lots of times.  Do I eat this or that at a restaurant?  Should I take this job or that job?  Should I decorate my room this way or that way?  Sometimes I just labor way too much over decisions.  And LABOR is the right word for it!  The problem is, if I'm going to decorate, I want it to be Just Right.  If I take a job, it should be Just Right.

For some decisions, this isn't a problem.  I can take forever to decorate my room.  No one else cares or sees (except my husband).  It can be more problematic at a restaurant or when taking a job. My husband has been a good example to me of not-laboring, or Just Do It.   Don't worry about planting the garden perfectly, just turn the dirt over and throw some seeds in.  Don't worry about weeding perfectly every week, just pull a few weeds for five minutes every week.  He has been a good example of NOT resisting ideas or change or doing hard things or suggestions from me.  He has truly accomplished a lot in his life because of this.

Are the resistance and the indecision related?   Maybe this resistance is like a knot in my heart.  I've always considered myself a very obedient, good person.  Someone who wanted to do 'good' and live 'right'.  But I've discovered this dang knot in my heart.   So now I'm working on rubbing it and trying to loosen it up.

This could take a while.